Russia Hoping Prototype Terrestrial Submarines Will Reduce Suffocations
Hails lack of need for “imperialist oxygen intervention”Moscow—Fresh on the heels of a new maritime tragedy, Russia announced Monday that a new prototype, above-ground military submarine will “significantly reduce the human specter of suffocation.”
“We have designed this new vessel with a number of safety valves,” noted Vladimir
Volkoginov, a senior military official. “”We even have crafted into the vessel’s organic functions the ability for the crew to launch themselves through the torpedo chutes before succumbing to debilitating claustrophobia.”
These developments, which began during the 2000 stranding of the
Kursk in the
Barent Sea, resulting in the untimely death of nearly forty men who survived the initial accident. Then president Vladimir Putin rejected US Naval intervention, which would have returned the Russian soldiers to their wives and children unscathed. Russian officials surmised that perhaps their naval troops would be better served by converting their primary fleets to terrestrial units.
Volkoginov also hailed the previous disaster, resulting in the untimely suffocation of—men, as a latent
Pyrrhic victory over what he calls “imperialist attempts at oxygenating troops otherwise disinclined to the American political philosophy.”
“We simply saw the transparency of the U.S. Administration’s attempt at proselytizing through oxygen, “ he said. “And we reacted accordingly; by preventing sedition through heroic measures, which carry a subtle and undefined debt with them. We will never be beholden to return diplomatic favors in exchange for
salvaging human lives.”
Sources say the new tragedy, resulting in the death of possibly more than twenty men, only
solidifies Russian resolve.
Vologinov also said that America’s “blatant attempts to insert ‘hope’ and ‘change’” into Russia’s foreign affairs
weren’t “ignorant, if not completely dangerous to the geopolitical landscape.”
Starving Kenyan Refugee Accidentally Hammers Out Deal With FOX NEWS on Laptop
Touch Screen capability causes man to "want Double-Double," signs with Hannity and Colmes.
Norway--When
Chief Sumatra
Korir found a reporter's stray laptop in his village, he assumed the
In & Out advertisement in a pop-up window was tactile nourishment.
Grasping at the pseudo-protein, however, would change his life in ways other than what would normally be reflexive dry-heaving at the sudden introduction of meat to a starving man. It landed an explosive revelatory deal with
Fox New's,
Hannity and Colmes.
"My shaman says I have potentially changed the winds of the United States presidential election," said
Korir through an interpreter. "What mean this United States?"
Korir, who looks five times his mere 29 years, says "the machine talks back to me."
"I speak with the Great
Clowd," he says. "And many, many seek her counsel. So Far, I just say what the Cloud wants to hear--it brings great hope to many. I don't know why."
Korir was originally scheduled to appear on the little-known "Momma-E" radio broadcast shortly after his desire to eat a two-dimensional, animal-style Double Double hamburger somehow launched
Korir into an
unforeseen spotlight.
"I asked my interpreter to tell the burger that I had an abominable tapeworm," he said. "Somehow, I got all these emails saying they wanted me to send it to them. Let's just say,
transference has been a chore. I know not your modern mail methods."
Korir: "Blocking Your IP Addresses Will Save My Credibility."
Norway--African press International Chief Editor
Korir, stated today that "any and all critics who dare make fun of, impugn, or take umbrage with" the editor's flailing credibility in the wake of his claims that he possesses tapes of Michelle Obama "will be blocked in order for me to regain the momentum of my honor."
Korir claims that he is in
possession of a tape bearing the voice of Mrs. Obama, allegedly making "explosive statements that could lead the United States to a Constitutional crisis."
Mr.
Korir's credibility suffered a setback Wednesday evening, when an unknown quantity, only referring to themselves as "The Therapist" temporarily assumed the avatar identity of Mr.
Korir, and posted even more implausible
time lines, claims, and
hyperboles.
"Many people in the forum now no longer know who is real, and who is not,"said
Korir. "Thankfully, we are rid of him. We blocked him. Sure, he got back in on a proxy server and told everyone that FOX News would carry the story last night, but I have rectified that. Now we can wait for the truth to come out."
The Therapist declined comment.
Labels: API, Korir, Michelle, Obama, Tapes
Santeria Is Preventing The Release Of The Tapes
By Chief Editor S. Korir,API. My dear American friends, I have sad news to report. It seems that forces far and above our expectations have stepped in where even
we could not imagine. We thought we had overcome our primary tape-transference obstacles when we updated our telegraph machine to accommodate a DSL cable. Then, when we were forced (by virtue of our own security instincts) to cut the tape into its fundamental syllabic components, only to have them re-spliced back in the United States by a major cable news network. Then, we had to terminate our legal relationship with Attorney Berg, just to prime our credibility pumps yet again.
Now, I regret to inform you, that even the most facilitous political maneuvering cannot overcome the ancient voodoo power of Santeria. As of right this moment, the entire cast of
The Serpent and the Rainbow have reassembled in Kenya, and are cutting up preposterous amounts of poultry, just to see that these tapes never see the light of day, and that the American people never have a chance to make an informed decision.
On another note, the
LA Times is concealing
nothing. It's just a diversion to keep your passionate forces diluted, so that these tapes never actually see their rightful airing.
Pray for me, fellow sojourner.
-Editor Korir
API Plan To Announce Tape Details At 7:00 EST Thwarted By Daylight Savings Hoax
Not discovered for "at least 60 minutes" forwarded clock deleted actual hour, says KorirNorway--The still-expected and explosive "Michelle Obama Tapes" purported to be in both the possession of the African Press International as well as an "
unnamed American cable news network," was on track to be released--or to some degree confirmed--by Chief Editor
Korir.
But then, tragedy befell an already addled
Korir.
"I was set to give the next information at exactly 7:00PM Easter Time, when I
received a mysterious call from a man who only
identify himself as 'Homer.' He said
unequivocally that it was daylight saving time right then, so I put my clock back to 5:45. As it
approached the hour of truth, the call came in again with a sincere apology. They had been mistaken. So by the time I set my clock forward again it was actually 7:52 EST, far
exceeding my targeted goal."
Korir confirms that he does indeed intend to "release any and all information," but only after a series of "important meetings" with someone identified only as "Cloud."
"It will come," he says. "I've been in this business since 2006. You think I'd risk 1 1/2 years of my reputation on something like this?" He then laughs, "I think not."
African Press Editor Says Network Re-Splicing Tape "Taking Longer Than Expected"
Twelve-million pieces "broken down by syllable, for secure shipping", says KorirNorway--The Chief Editor of the
Arican Press International, S.
Korir, stated early Tuesday that the only thing standing
in between the network and the airing of the much-
anticipated Michelle Obama tapes, was a simple but laborious re-splicing of the audio to make it machine compatible once again.
"Because of contractual obligations," says
Korir, "we were forced to break the tape down syllable
by syllable, making sure that the forces of darkness do not prevail in securing this information for ultimate
suppression."
Another presumed member of the staff, only identifying
them self as "Cloud,"
concurred.
"I have been in constant phone contact with Mr.
Korir," she said. "And I can tell you that he is under great personal and financial duress for this, this brave and selfless non-releasing of the tapes. I just want to assure Rosebud and Cumulus that my cryptic, convolutions and non-informational updates will see this through."
Developing . . .
African Press To Release Michelle Obama Tapes “Within Seconds” Of Nov. 4th Vote
Warns of “American Bloodshed,” if tapes not heard, lowers handbag pricesNorway—The editor of the African Press International, Chief Editor Korir, stated today that they are prepared to release the
still-unproven Michelle Obama tapes to the media, “Literally within seconds” of the first balloting in the November 4th election in the United States.
“The American people need and deserve to be fully informed of the Specter of an Obama presidency,” warns Korir. “And I can do no less than to let them almost hear these tapes as they are driving into the polling station to cast their vote for Obama.”
The tapes, now drawing even the skepticism of even the most hopeful Republican outliers, purports to not only expose the black presidential contender as a native Kenyan, but also contains a brisk conversation, with the candidate’s wife dressing down the news agency for “betraying their race” by exposing the matter. The call was allegedly taped, and runs around fifty minutes long.
Mr. Korir is alleged to be black.
“The least I can do, “ say Korir, “is make sure these damning allegations are supported with the full force and credibility of the tapes, which I will humbly release nearly in time for them to make a difference.”
Editor Korir, also noted that his legal teams were “very immersed” in negotiations with a “major cable news network” over the tapes, and that his lawyers’ lawyers’ attorney’s special council’s representation was “in the last minute stages” of “releasing the tapes later.”
“There will be a race war and a bloodbath,” he said. “If the subtle issues inherent in these tapes are not taken into consideration by a voting populace that nearly heard them.”
Mr. Korir also noted that their handbag assortment was on line, and that prices have been lowered to accommodate those hunched over their laptops, eagerly waiting for him to continue ignoring direct questions.
True To POW Days, McCain Accepting Relentless Pounding By Enemy With Grace
Washington--John McCain has been known all his life as a man devoid of predictable conventions and
telegraphable intents. In recent days, the point couldn't have been made clearer when he selected Alaska Governor, Sarah
Palin, to become the first female Vice presidential running mate for the republican party.
Now, facing being handed the anvil of responsibility in a housing credit ocean created by democrats, McCain stand to stun yet again.
"The man's propensity for bending over backwards is unparalleled," said one insider to the McCain/
Palin ticket. ""Just watch the sheer agile facility with which he now bends
forward."
McCain is expected to rend his clothes ans assume sackcloth and ashes until the House or Senate approves the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac bailout, which is widely known as a scandal involving democratic extortion, forcing the agencies to deliver loans to those with no money in the first place. Still, McCain asserts that blaming those responsible for their responsibility would be "irresponsible."
"I'm just not going to demean my senatorial office or the nature of the political process by winning," says McCain. "This will be perhaps the most gentlemanly loss in political history. mark my words, friends."
The credit for such tenacity is largely attributed to the daily buffeting McCain suffered at the hands of his captors in
Vietnam--an ordeal that lasted five years.
"If anyone knows how to sustain endless unrequited backhands and
jackslaps, it's McCain," said one known insider. "If anyone can sit for a full election cycle and not fight back, it's John McCain. You watch and see."
