Lyndie England To Be Tried As A Man
England: really, really masculine
Washington--The infamous "leash girl" portrayed humiliating Iraqi soldiers in the now infamous, Abu Ghraib prison photos, is scheduled to be tried and sentenced as a man, despite latent evidence to the contrary.
"PFC England has agreed to a plea bargain deal," said one court spokesperson. "And while an official trial will not happen, the court is poised to enact all legal mechanisms necessary to ensure this visually androgynous solider gets all the treatment that anyone else of masculine verisimilitude would receive."
England is expected to plead guilty on Monday.
England's case is built around the most inflammatory of photos, in which at one point, she has an unspecified Iraqi on a leash, and another in which she appears to be mocking the nether-regions of a row of naked prisoners.
“There are so many theories as to why,” said one analyst. “There are deep, psychological connections—insofar as Ms. England’s own apparent testosterone levels seem to trump even the blatant macho Arab culture. This may have been a cry for help. It may have also been her own subtle way of bringing awareness to the Tyranny of Contrast.”
England’s sentencing bears the possibility of postponement, as all legal language implying her femininity must be entirely expunged. Any accidental and residual gender blunders in the legal syntax could result in a mistrial.
“The last thing we want is a gender-confused photographer running around,” said one source. “Maplethorpe was bad enough.”
Accuser Now Says He Molested Michael Jackson
Testimony surprises chagrinned prosecution who expected opposite testimony Jackson's accuser (left) surprised a Los Angeles courtroomby confessing to "wanton acts against Michael Jackson." Thisis the third consecutive witness for the prosecution to deliverdevastating testimony in direct contradiction to earlier depositions.
Los Angeles--The unnamed accuser in the Michael Jackson trial stunned the prosecution this afternoon, when his expected testimony of molestation at the hands of King of Pop, Michael Jackson, took a sudden and unexpected turn.
"The reality is, there is a good Michael Jackson, and a bad Michael Jackson. I molested the good Michael Jackson," he said.
The testimony comes on the heels of Jackson's second wife, Debbie Rowe, who appeared also to do a 180 on the testimony expected by the prosecution, and seems to greatly hinder the case. Legal experts also agree.
"What we have here, is the primary witness, the alleged molestee, saying that he is now the perpetrator," said one expert. There is literally no case left, as there is no one else in the courtroom saying they were molested."
Jackson's legal team said the sudden and unsolicited changes on the part of key witnesses are welcome, and that they expect a "literal flood" of people coming forward in the next few days, with anecdotal accounts of how they have also molested Michael Jackson.
Developing . . .
Republicans Call For Own Impeachment
Afraid that electorate will throw them out unless they throw themselves out
Washington--With a distinct understanding of the political tides, House republicans announced today that they intend to seek impeachment charges against themselves.
"We are standing firm," said senator Bill Frist. "Unless we are willing to eliminate the republican specter from the Congress, we will lose our jobs in '06."
Frist said that the best way to maintain their jobs was to subject the entire republican alumni to an impeachment trial, and hope for an acquittal. Frist notes that they "have the votes" to convict themselves, even if a few republicans abstain.
"We're looking at an easy 9/10 margin here," he said. Even Senator Kennedy can pry himself out of his bloated, drunken stupor long enough to impeach us."
Democratic leaders applauded the republicans for their "forthright and equitable view" of the constitutional process.
"We just want to be sure there is nothing unredeeming or damaging to our sacred traditions," said Rep. Barney Frank, while painting his toes a mild fuchsia color. "The faintest whiff of conservatism could set things awry for a while, that's for sure."
Frist also noted that he was "deeply sorry" for any "rush to judgement" in wanting to impeach himself, as well as his colleagues.
Retarded Boy Found Innocent Of Malice In Air America Gunshot Episode
Program Director Albert Franken's disastrous chromosomal train wreck at the hands of hisparents may have prevented him from possible fines andjail time.
Network founder's extra chromosome isolates him from malevolent intent, say docs
New York-- The sometimes controversial, mouth-breathing, mentally-challenged boy who founded the liberal Air America
radio network, was cleared of any "peripheral wrongdoing" in the recent flap over a segment in which the President of the United States is shot over his social security plans.
Al "Frankie" Franken, progenitor of the network, as well as the star of the cinematic mega-failure, Stuart saves His Family, was exculpated by "the very gene that keeps him from functioning normally anyway," according to the expert testimony from doctors.
"He's just too compromised to even understand the difference between funny and scandalous," said one medical expert. "It is very clear, in light of Mr. Franken's more recent attempts at humor, that there may
be some genetic proximity in his blood parents."
The segment, which aired on the Randi Rhoades show, includes the comparison of President Bush to a whining toddler, who is shot four times while "whining" about Social Security’s impending doom. Authorities, while still investigating the network proper, have also released Franken from the "orb of culpability."
"His retardation is so advanced," said one observing doctor. "That he's just like Jeffy from Family Circle
, except Jeffy is forty years younger and has parents with a tangible fork in their family tree."
Experts note that Franken's high visbility could bring a new awareness to the wages of sexual immorality.
"The message is clear," said one geneticist. "And that message is please, please, don't marry your sister. It was bad enough that Abraham sired an illegitimate child out of wedlock--one bastard child and we have people flying planes into our skyscrapers. Lord only knows what Franken's kids could be up to."
Franken is expected to ride the short bus into work for the next few weeks, until the invesitagtion into the network, as well as the related hulabaloo die down.
NBC Auctions Off Katie Couric On Ebay
--Citing an "increasingly hostile atmosphere" towards network figureheads, executives at the NBC television network engaged in a simple, three-day attempt to place Today Show
diva, Katie Couric on Ebay.
"At this point, our no-reserve auction looks like a failure," said one. "This is not our last hope of getting rid of her. We’re also talking some kind of Quid pro quo deal with Priceline.com."
Couric has been the latest of the network figureheads to come under public scrutiny, even since her Freudian slip in which she hoped Saddam Hussein had safely slipped into Syria
at the beginning of the Iraq war. Couric's diva status has found her network in the uncomfortable position of maintaining live camera feeds of her morning escapades--even when urgent news is breaking.
"That is why Ebay is such a great medium," said one NBC insider. "Because only someone who can really stand her would even dare to bid. The anonymity inherent in an Ebay bid guarantees that Couric's new owner will, at least start out, not an emotional hostage to her narcissistic, multi-million dollar rampages."
NBC decided to forego the classic "Reserve" bid in favor of the masses, and to show their "absolute sincerity" in wanting "someone that really deserves Ms. Couric" to have her without a lot of red tape.
Couric could be reached for comment. We decided to forego that, too.
PETA: Mr. Rogers May Have Deliberately Overfed Fish
PETA claims Rogers' show was a shillfor his seething hatred for goldfish (inset)NEW YORK
--Issuing a statement replete with posthumous research, The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
issued a report indicating a "deliberate sense of culinary malice," with regard to the late children's television icon and his "frequent and proliferate" stops at the fish tank during each show.
"We were flagged on this when we heard he had admitted an accidental overfeeding on the Larry King radio show back in the 90's," said one spokesperson for PETA. "We just decided to take a closer look, and what we found was not pretty."
Rogers, who was also a Presbyterian minister, loaded each show with educational, emotional, and even musical encouragement. Feeding the fish, according to the report, was "brilliantly cloaked" in subtly crafted, yet oft-repeated references to personal responsibility.
"This man had a brilliant mind," said the spokesperson. "If Rogers had already exhausted his rationale for going into the kitchen [the time when he feeds the fish], Mr. McFeely would conveniently stop by with "The thing you ordered, Fred," and cause Mr. Rogers to suddenly realize he needed to go back into the kitchen. Stunning."
Other believe that Mr. Rogers' philanthropic streak may have led to the death of one
goldfish, which eventuated in a show discussing the death of a pet, and how children should look at it. One viewer thinks PETA may be out of bounds.
"If this were Bozo the Clown, I'd believe it," he said. "But you're talking about a man who visually itemizes his clothing upon arriving at the house. Negligent overfeeding of the goldfish is next to impossible. Deliberate
overfeeding is preposterous. They just want to tarnish a gilded legacy, that's all."
PETA Claims that Rogers’ show was nothing more than a “Goldfish clearing house of death,” and that Rogers’ entire program, from planning to marketing to scripting, was a well-honed plot to dispatch tiny, luminous carp. Critics say that PETA’s posthumous attack on the Rogers legacy is the real scandal.
“Next thing you know, Captain Kangaroo’s dark-side will be up on the public dais,” said one. “If he had a wig, I don’t want to know.”
Senate Leaders Accused Of Using Date Rape Medication To Enhance Cowardice
Frist admits medication would make backing down from nuclear option threats much easier
GOP heavy-hitters claim that their unconditional surrendersare entirely organic, and that claims of performance-retardinginterventions are patently absurd
Washington--In an unprecedented barrage of apologies from the GOP on a variety of issues, GOP insiders are saying that key Republican heavy-hitters have been supplementing their unified capitulations to the left, by taking the date rape drug Rohypnol
l, and disrobing in front of amorous senate democrats.
"What we have here is a sort of perfect storm for controversy" said one key Republican strategist. "Delay is sorry for his tone, Arnold is sorry for his English, Newt is sorry for his Canadian border remarks, and on and on. If this keeps on, we're headed for a complete Tailhook incident right here in the House chamber. The atmosphere for performance-retarding drugs is almost electric."
Democrats expressed their own optimism that a complete, submissive posture on the part of republicans was possible, noting that it would be a "sad day" when the normal process of legislative surrender had to be augmented by artificial means.
"Once we get them feeling like they owe us their virtue, we've got them," said one. "We've already got them apologizing for even being republicans, without drugs. To step into a narcotic fog to enhance what comes so naturally is quite frankly, disturbing."
Senator Bill Frist noted that, since it is traditional for republicans to bravely face down theoretical opposition over controversial issues, only to cave in at the last minute, that a healthy dose of Rohypnol
would make the initial pile-on by the democrats a whole lot easier, but that he had not personally taken the drug.
Others in the party expressed their outrage that anyone would even fan the flames of suspicion.Some in the GOP think key front menare turning to medical breakthroughs likeRohypnol to fortify an already impregnablefortress of submission.
"To even think for a minute that any republican would need Rohypnol is absurd," said Senator Trent Lott. "That's like thinking Lance Armstrong needs methamphetamine to win the Tour De France. The strength is already there. I am living proof."
Developing . . .
In San Francisco
San Francisco--The Therapist is tooling around Baghdad By The Bay, on a mountain bike.
That is why I have not blogged in the last 24 hours.
Covered nearly a hundred miles and have consigned myself to a wheelchair with a bite mechanism. . . .
Be back tomorrow night.
Howard Dean Levitates From Bed, Demands To See Father Karras
Father John Karras (right) confronts the unholy thing thatdangles the soul of former Vermont Governor, Howard Dean,over the ninth pit. Dean's invitation for satanic inhabitationhas proven disastrous in recent weeks, with uncontrollable outbursts.
Georgetown--capitulating fully to the powers of darkness, DNC Chairman, Howard Dean allowed himself to become the conduit of Beelzebub, to demand interview with troubled catholic priest, father John Karras.
"What we have here is the classic case of unadulterated possession," said Karras, who displayed visibly edgy reactions to Deans channeling of his own dead mother's voice from beyond. "This is the real thing."
Dean then proceeded to levitate off the bed while spewing vile blasphemies against heaven.
Karras says Dean's trip into active reprobation may have started with something as seemingly innocuous and benign as the Ouija board during the 2004 presidential primaries, paving the way for ritualistic bloodletting and human sacrifice during the votes leading up to his selection as DNC Chairman.
“We have seen the gradual metamorphosis from Vermont governor to haunting, deadly specter, “said one religious authority. “The problem now is, his features and voice are virtually indistinguishable from his earlier self. We are going o to have to rely on second-generation recordings of Mr. Dean to know when we have exorcised the legion of devils that cause him to fulminate with such vigor against the very core of the GOP.”
Democratic insider said they became concerned with Dean’s grotesque persona “about the time he wrenched the head of a republican intern a full 360 degrees, and when all recorded speeches are offering a duplicitous, backward message.
Karras said that Dean’s demonic interlopers are the worst kind.
“See, the former governor is the prime candidate for demonic possession,” he said. “The empty houses are always the ones where squatter’s rights cases are born. Try telling Lucifer the Prince of Darkness he’s being evicted. I’ll bet before it’s over he has Dean making warm puppets out of field rabbits and jamming a crazy straw into the carotid arteries of the unwitting.”
Karras said that despite the canonical mountain before him with regard to rescuing Dean from the devil’s clutches that he intends to try.
“He’s still condemned to Hell,” said Karras. “But were hedging our ancient, liturgical ritual against him taking the whole DNC with him."
Gas Prices Forcing Hamas Suicide Bombers Into Carpools
"Every car will project the passion of twenty martyrs," say leaders
Lebanon--Undaunted by skyrocketing gas prices stemming from diverse economic factors, the militant terrorist group Hamas has announced that their Martyr's brigade will activate their "default plan," by consolidating what would otherwise be solitary suicide bombers, into a 20-plus carpool assault against the infidels.
"We have the passion to project against the Great Satan's" said Hashneesh Allahbadman, senior expert suicide bomber." We will deploy our mediocre explosive vehicular assaults with the muting impact of 20 martyrs packed into one loaded Yugo."
Experts say that in addition to the economical and eco-friendly angle assumed by the organization, that the attacks will "greatly minimize the ratio" of noise pollution associated with these attacks.
"It's like jamming a potato over the muzzle of a rifle," said one noted ballistics expert. "Except for the fact that the potatoes are bodies and the gun is a 1991 Yugo."
A Hamas spokesperson said that they would not rule out a bicycle onslaught, should gas proces become entirely prohibitive.
Developing . . .
Nation's Judges Issue Dire Warning To Sex Offenders: You Will Be Caught And Released
"Your temporary incarcerator is at the door:"The Nation's most preeminent judges gather to scold congress, as well warn as child molesters about the literal "days" they will spend in jail when caught.
Washington--In an unprecedented show of unity, a consortium of city, state and federal judges held a press conference today to shore up what they believe to misconceptions about their jurisprudence--fomented by recent attacks by House majority leader, Tom DeLay.
Judges from the Florida region were particularly angry and passionate.
"Mr. Delay can relegate a judgeship down to simple, black and white, up or down, right or wrong, legal or illegal terms," said Pinellas County Circuit judge, George Greer. "That is exactly what is getting in the way of our jobs: eleventh-hour, armchair quarterbacking from the Congress."
Greer also noted that congressional static may have impeded the earlier captures and subsequent releases of two sex offenders in Florida, both of which are alleged to have murdered young girls in recent weeks.
"They need to get out of the way," said Greer. "It's time for us to get back to writing laws and interpreting those laws."
Greer's speech brought roars of assent from the assembled judges on the steps of the Capitol. After subsequent speeches, Supreme Court Judge, Anthony Kennedy delivered what he called his "Denmark Ultimatum."
" . . .and to any would be child molester, and sex-offenders," he said, "Make no mistake about it: You will be caught and released."
Kennedy said that his enlightened passions were stirred both by Scottish Law, and an obscure passage in Hammaurabi's Code.
"Diversity is what's going to keep these creeps off, and then back on the streets," he said. "The wisdom of the courts is the last great recourse for our own, self-preservation."
Grafitti Eradication Team Accidentally Sandblasts Sistine Chapel
Roman Gang Task Force graffiti eradicators' take-no-prisoners approach to "tag removals" may have them at cross purposes with the Vatican. Here, Michaelangelo'sLast Judgement has already been erased confusing the throngs of admirers below.
Rome--Gang-enforcement division of graffiti eradicators are under investigation for expunging a majority of Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel work before being stopped by authorities.
"Somehow, the Roman Gang Task Force managed to cross-interpret The Creation of Man
--primarily the finger of God with Adam's to some polemical gang flash reminiscent of the American Crips and Bloods," said one authority. "Problem is, they started at The Last Judgement
, and just went crazy from there."
Gang Task Force officials would not go on record with comments, but did intimate that even Michaelangelo's works can be deemed graffiti in the broad definition of the term.
"It's just legal graffiti, comissioned by the Pope," said one. "What do you want us to do, fall down and cry, citing some obscure wrinkle in the semantics?"
Sources say that the team was originally scheduled to clean up "aesthetic incongruities" with the Sphinx, but has had to postpone their commission to answer questions regarding a syntax cleanup on the Rosetta Stone.
"We're just doing our jobs," said one.
Voinovich To Challenge McCain For Senate Minority Leadership
Voinovich (left), promises that "no amount of fuliminating, teeth-knashing pandering to the left" on the part of McCain(right)will superscede his "out and out joining of them" to undermine the President, and become Senate minority leader
Washington--Ohio Senator George Voinovich announced today that he would "stand toe-to-toe" against Arizona Senator John McCain's aspirations of becoming the senate minority leader.
"I am hoping to assume minority headship through the direct defeat at the hands of our electorate," he said. "I'd rather be a republican in the minority than switch parties and risk losing the chance of being a minority leader to a few uncreative souls who might change parties, thus making the democrats the majority party.
Voinovich said that his most recent reluctance to vote for Bush's UN Ambassador select exemplifies his desire to "play hard ball on the winning team--against
the winning team."
McCain was seen to be gritting his teeth while auguring ill against the republicans, with Bill Frist threatening to use the "nuclear option" to defray any senate filibusters against Bush's upcoming judicial picks.
"Eeeh theeenk bwee in suh wepublikin pooty hab a plubum," said McCain, distending his outer jowls to almost unprecedented peripheral latitude. "Eem duh man to wead dis pooty indo ignomidy."
Voinovich said that McCain was a "bi-polar garden gnome" and that he needs to resolve his image. "He also needs to get his jowls un-wired so that he doesn't look like Bill Bixby in a Gamma radiation seizure," he said.
McCain indicated through an interpreter that only he knew "how to take down a presidential mandate at the knees with a legislative Louisville Slugger
," and that Voinovich was a "pandering little girl from Ohio."
Voinovich said he would "vote against Bolton" for that remark.
Developing . . .
Characteristics Media Said They Admired In Dead Pope Now Outrages Them In New One
"We were just trying to get the guy in the ground," say journalists
Journalists who heaped unrelenting praise on pro-life, conservative good Pope, John Paul II(left), may have inadvertently helped to elect pro life, conservative bad Pope Benedict XVI (right)
Rome--Trying to minimize their role in choosing Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as the next pope, mainstream media outlets everywhere are trying to explain away their profuse praise for Pope John Paul II and his unweilding, pro-life positions.
"We were kind of hoping that our posthumous praise for Pope John Paul and his stringent, doctrinal views on abortion would seem like we were also eulogizing the views," said one major media representative. "Now we may have made the world think that was a good thing. Now, they've gone and elected the most conservative, doctrinal watchdog in the Vatican as Pope. We may be partially to blame for this."
Many remember media talking head after talking head, emoting the kind of disingenuous retrospectives that may have tilted the wheel in Ratzinger's favor.
"Yeah, it's true,” said a major ABC News insider. “We try to strike a moderate, unbiased tone, and praise people for their tenacious grip on standards. Apparently, we haven’t figured out a way to say we are disgusted by pro-life views while commending those who unwaveringly hold them.”
Most media agree that the profuse praise for figureheads, such as former President Reagan as well as the Pope are merely academic exercises, with little or no sincerity intact.
“All that stuff about the cold war, Reagan’s iron will, and facing down the Soviets was just pure posturing,” said one news executive. “We really, really hated him, and are glad he passed away. Same goes for Terri Schiavo-interloping Pontiff’s.”
A recent Therapist/Blogging Times
exit poll indicates that a majority of voting Cardinals were directly affected by the overwhelming praise for Pope John Paul II. Prompting them to pray for, and equally conservative pope.
“I really thought Peter Jennings and Cokie Roberts wanted Ratzinger by proxy,” said one unnamed cardinal, speaking outside the Sistine Chapel after the vote. “After all they’re the one who take ‘A closer Look’ in their broadcast every night. Since they’re so much smarter than me, I felt to pray for the election of a Pope like Cardinal Ratzinger.”
Some press insiders say a whispering campaign is already underway to hobble the new Pope’s momentum in the world before he even gets started.
“There is a rumor,” said one ABC News executive. “A rumor that states this new Pope may have said something to the effect that he likes Catholicism over other denominations. Now that would be a bombshell.”
Sources say Muslims may "take to the streets and burn things" if the allegations of religious elitism prove to be true.
1st failed Conclave Vote Confounds Worshippers With Unexplainable Green Smoke
Things "just a little too laid back in there," says sourceGreen smoke pours from the top of the Sistine Chapelto the confused consternation of the devout waiting outside
Vatican City--As the first visible signs of a failed conclave vote made its way outside the Sistine chapel, parishioners and catholic pilgrims outside were dealing with an aspect outside the centuries-old template--the release of unexplainable, fragrant green smoke from inside the sequestered hall.
"We are only aware of two colors," said one expert observer. "Black and white. Black to symbolize that a vote has gone without fruitful conclusion, and white to symbolize that our new Pontiff has been chosen."
When asked about the sudden emission of green smoke, experts could only offer theories.
"Maybe somebody's not paying attention to the oil-based ratios," said one. "Color mismanagement has happened before."
Despite the Vatican’s best efforts to maintain an impregnable conclave, devoid of leaks, sources say that there are still “prying eyes” that can at least view the process voyeuristically—if not auditorially.
“We have a source that says things are really, really laid back,” said one anonymous source. “Our radio contact with our man in the air paints a picture of a hyper-serene consortium of cardinals, staring at Michelangelo’s “Last Judgment” for prolonged periods of time.
“Truth is, we have no idea when these guys are going to get to it,” said the source. “We just have to wait for the white smoke—or for the green smoke to run out.”
Gordon Lightfoot Pens Epic Ballad About Norwegian Cruise Ship Peril
Friends of Lightfoot say it seemed
like an "invisible hand" was guiding
the Canadian songwriter's pen when
writing his new maritime epic
Canada--Famed Canadian balladeer, Gordon Lightfoot, whose epic ballad The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
chronicled the last minutes of an otherwise obscure, industrial maritime disaster, has weighed in again with another blow-by-blow account of a more recent near tragedy.
"When I saw the Norwegian Dawn's harrowing story on C-Span, I had to act," said Lightfoot. “The thing practically wrote itself.”
Some say that Lightfoot’s deft touch with haunting, almost ethereal lyrics makes his new ballad, The List of the Norwegian Dawn
, a potentially instant hit.
“I can hear the song in my head already,” said one fan of Lightfoot. “This story has all the ingredients out of which a classic is forged.”
Maritime historians agree.
“Look at this story, “ said one historian. “A passenger cruise liner, 2,200 people, and a seventy-foot wave that scares people. Pardon the expression, but this is a ‘perfect storm’ for Lightfoot, if you ask me.”
Lightfoot said he would enter the studio to record the song as his 2005 tour schedule permits, although he said he intends to perform the song in his act starting next week.The List of the Norwegian Dawn (by Gordon Lightfoot)
The legend lives on from the lido deck on down
To the disheveled shuffleboard besties
The ocean, it is said, never produces dead
When the whitecaps of April turn testy
With a load of human ore 2,200 people more
Then the Norwegian Dawn had weighed nappin
The good ship and cap’, was a bound to be slapped
When a whitecap in April came tappin
The shift left with pride, on the American side
Heading toward the remote Port Canaveral
The good ship and riders, would get a little bit excited
From the list of their Norwegian cruiser
The women and men, saw it on the CNN
With the low-pressure system arrivin
48 hours gave, into forty-foot waves
and the captain said, guess they aint jiving
As they headed back to port, seventy-foot wave retort
Put some water through to windows and cabins
One woman, not gloatin, saw her slipper a floatin
When a whitecap in April came slappin
Some panic set in, with six inches pouring in
And the ninth floor lost high-speed connections
The bartender said, looks like Sports channel’s dead
So for now your tabs are suspended
When supper time came, the captain announced
Dinner might be a little phlegmatic
Then the Dramamine supply, it began to run dry
In a gastrointestinal panic
The first floor called in, we’ve got water coming in
And our red Berber carpet’s a smartin’
The crew said not to dread, put the luggage on the bed
Go to Lido cause bingo’s a startin’
The ship with angina, went to South Carolina
To unload the distraught and bewildered
Piano player layered panic, with the theme from Titanic
As the Norwegian Dawn came untilted
Does anyone know, how the bilge pumps do blow
As the wave tuned the seconds to minutes
The people all say, they’d have made New York Bay
If the captain had just went and did it.
In a musty old hall in Charleston they prayed
For the non-damaged maritime icon
The church bell chimes, and it rang all four times
For each wounded, the Norwegian Dawn
Lawmakers Relieved As Florida Girl's Abduction, Rape, Murder Deemed Not A Hate Crime
Dems say M.O. proves legislation working; hope to curb backlash against conciliatory child molesters Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer (l) reads aloud from legislation she helped pass that prevented Sara Jessica Lunde (r) from being subjected to horrifying, sexist rhetoric before being asphyxiated by her assailant.
Ruskin, Fla.--As the partially submerged body of slain 13-year old Sarah Jessica Lunde was being retrieved, lawmakers breathed a collective sigh of relief when they learned the abduction, possible rape, and suffocation of the missing girl would be ruled out as a hate crime.
"Thank God, that legislative foresight prevailed," said California Senator, Barbara Boxer. "Had we not struck when the political iron was hot, this girl could have been subjected to untold, misogynist tirades before being killed."
Experts agree that Congressional foresight may have prevented the abducted girl from listening to prolonged white-pride rhetoric, compulsory utterances of the "N-Word," or the emotional coercion that results in manifestos denouncing racial quotas at university.
“It is a natural tendency for people to view government’s role in an adversarial light,” said one noted expert. “But here we have an example where, had we catered to the vociferants on the right, this girl could have been found with her body embossed with crudely-carved swastikas all over it. This of course was not the case.”
Preliminary news reports indicate that the girl’s body was found with “entirely non-hateful or divisive” DNA all over her body, and that none of the perpetrating invasions to her person were “based on views promulgated by red state thinking.”
Senate democrats say, their primary reason for pushing so vigorously for hate-crime legislation is to “stem a tide of potential backlash or the conciliatory, and non-hateful” rapers of babies. CNC Chairman, Howard Dean, agrees.
“We have attempted to do for the paroled child molester, what God did for Job in the book of Armageddon,” he said. “We have tried to put a hedge of protection around those child molesters known to recoil in the face of non-constructive views on gay marriage.”
Dean says that he has “personally witnessed” the comprehensive interrogation process by which paroled, multiple child molesters and killers are vetted for their internal predilections.
“One of the most clever ways I’ve seen is, during the initial shakedown, to have Rush Limbaugh’s old ESPN commentary playing in the background,” he said. “When his line about Donovan McNabb’s organizational support stemming from a desire to see a black quarterback do well, we watch him very closely. Any indication of assent or agreement with such polarizing views sets them up for a bare minimum, life sentence.”
Limbaugh later quit in the wake of the enormous controversy that swarmed around his divisive, hate-loaded observations.
Breaking news reports say that 36 year old registered sex offender, David Onstott, has confessed to Sarah Lunde’s murder. Onstott is an ex-boyfriend of the victim's mother, and took Sarah after a fight. He later confessed to choking the girl, and authorities have stopped short of providing Onstott's full confession. Divers Confirm Democratic Legal Victory: Aboslutely no sign of hate on victim's partially nude and submerged body; a hallmark sign that the crime was committed by non-hateful sex-offender, David Onsott (r)
“It could be him,” said one source on the investigative end. “He was a non-hateful child molester, and this one fits the sort of template he would follow. We’re hoping we can get through this investigative process rather quickly, so that we can redeploy our forces where they belong, to tracking down and catching the racist
child molester before he offends again.”
DeLay Apologizes For Tone Of Apology
Washington--House majority leader, Tom Delay, apologized today for the "inexcusable tone" of his earlier apology, concerning his remarks about the accountability of federal judges.
"I am sincerely sorry," said Delay. "The indecorous tone of my last apology may lead people to conclude that I was insincere about my last apology."
Delay noted that the tone of his original comments concerning judicial accountability was "perfect," although he did reiterate that he was 'extremely sorry" for the substance of them.
DeLay was allegedly coached through his initial phase of introspective, repentant senatorial remorse by former Senate majority leader, Trent Lott. Some say Lott is further coaching DeLay on the fine art of folding up into an incontinent ball of capitulatory cowardice as well.
“Nobody does that like Lott,” said one source. “I there’s one guy that understands the artful dodge of giving up and robbing his constituency of oxygenating hope in the 11th hour, it’s him.”
Delay also said he was “sorry” for the tone in which he handled the attempted governmental intervention in the Terri Schiavo matter, noting that the battle for human life “does not require us to raise our voices.”
“I’m sorry if that sounds harsh,” he said.
Speck Of Carbon Steps Forward To Challenge Speck Of Zircon’s Age Claims
Says claimant only 3.2 billion years old Speck of Zircon (left) is the subject of a direct credibilityattack in the wake of new claims by Speck of Carbon (right)Scientists do not expect this controversy to go away for quitesome time
Madison, Wis.—Billed as “Earth’s oldest thing ever,” complete with festivals, rock bands and lectures commemorating its discovery,
a renowned speck of 4.4 billion year old Zircon is having its credibility challenged.
A 3.8 billion year old speck of Carbon has decided it was time to speak out, when, as it says, “Zircon’s claims just became too much to take.”
“Listen, I’ve known that speck longer than anyone here,” said the carbon speck. “And I have just stepped forward, not to impugn, or cast aspersions, but to just say that the Zircon speck has inflated his age by at least 1.2 billion years.”
Zircon claims that Carbon is just suffering from sour grapes.
“Look this is a classic case of chronological envy,” he said. “It not good enough that he’s had an entire—albeit dubiously relied upon—dating system. No, he has to come after me and my fanfare as well.”
The speck of Zircon was originally unearthed in Australia in 1984, and has inspired musical scores as well as literary speculation as to what 4.4 billion years might “sound like.”
Critics of carbon say that if Zircon’s chronological assertions are as dubious as it claims, that Carbon should have stepped up to the plate and said something 21 years ago—when Zircon first entered the collective consciousness of science.
Carbon maintains that its critics are merely capitulating to the inherent, scientific desire to “shoot the messenger speck.”
“Just blaming the victim will not make this travesty go away,” it said.
Muppets Come Under Oil-For-Food Scrutiny
Millions in unmarked bills found stuffed inside a lifeless GonzoAuthorities believe that Muppet proximity to the UNSecretary General and his wife make for "very strange bedfellows." Two of the five Muppets pictured here are expected to be indicted this week. Mr. Annan remainsabove indictment because of congenital stupidity.
New York--The Justice Department is investigating what it calls "empirical evidence" with regard to 'certain identifiable" members of Jim Henson's famed Muppets, for involvement in the UN oil-for-food scandal.
"The serendipitous nature of this whole break in the case is amazing
," said one insider. "It was the Muppet propensity for intense, unrelenting socialization, coupled with a false sense of security that may have hanged them."
Sources say that the Volcker Report
, which provided a backdoor acquittal for UN Secretary General, Kofi Annan, might have had the Muppets existing within a false bubble of confidence.
"Mr. Annan's complete and total paralysis from the neck up would make anybody feel that way," said one source. “He may not have even known he was cutting backroom deals with the Swedish Chef, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, or even that cartilaginous nitwit, Beaker."
Other observers say Annan dealt "directly" with Grover, vis-à-vis his surreptitious envoy, Elmo.
Experts indicate that any attempt on the part of sentient, intelligent Muppets to hide in the skirts of Kofi's unbelievably appalling IQ would be met with contempt charges. "Everyone
knows Statler and Waldorf are firing on all cylinders," said one. "There's no room for chicanery at all."
The connection stems from a December, 2004 appearance by the Secretary General on PBS
' Sesame Street
, in which Mr. Annan, and his wife resolved conflicts between feuding Muppets.
"He resolved it the way he resolves most international conflicts," said one PBS
Executive. "He paid off the feuding parties with untraceable cash, and took credit for his searing, diplomatic acumen. The problem lies in the fact that highly intelligent Muppets have taken illegal currency from a honest--albeit retarded
Amongst the oil-for-food scandal directly, is the peripheral case of the untimely death of the lone Jewish Muppet--Gonzo the Great.
"We found the money, stuffed up Gonzo's hand-hole, and his throat cut from implied ear to implied ear," said a member of the forensic team investigating the homicide. "We doubt it was the money that killed him."
Indictments are expected to be handed down this week.
Developing . . .
Sharon Promises Not To Attack Iran On Saturday
Friday nights also "out of question," says PM
Jerusalem--flying in the face of a preponderance of satellite imagery showing a growing nuclear capability, Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, promised that a Saturday attack "would not happen under his watch."
"I give my solemn vow, that all Iranians can rest on Saturdays, as the nation of Israel will not not engage in active, military maneuvers within that full, 24-hour period.
Sharon also ruled the possibility of a Friday night attack.
"We would prefer, should a Friday attack ever actually be on the table, to have concluded all tactical goals prior to that sunset," he said.
Officials in Tehran said they were "relieved" to hear that the Israelis would put some
smiting time into neutral, and that they have "isolated a relatively small bubble of time in which they are predictably holed up with their families inside tactical targets."
The officals also said that settlements in both the West Bank and the Golan heights would "understand our appreciation."
Sharon did not indicate any kind of militarily-oriented moratorium on maneuvers for the Sunday thru Thursday time slots.
Spy Chief Labels Bolton Bully, Urinates On Self
Ford "still hiding somewhere," say senators Totally peed out the chamber: Carl Ford Jr., (left) totally lostit when UN Ambassador Select, John Bolton, made a hasty,bullying gesture like the one shown at right. Senate insiders say Fordis still hiding in the chamber.
Washington--A former high-ranking intelligence chief in the US State Department has slammed John Bolton
, George W. Bush's choice as ambassador to the UN, calling him a "bully."
Speaking before a Senate committee yesterday, former intelligence head, Carl Ford Jr., let fly with scathing criticism of Bolton while a noticeable trace of bladder evacuation began to appear on his clothing.
"That man is . . .is, just mean," said Ford, trembling before a seated Bolton while piddling the committee chamber. "He even shook a CIA operative upside down to obtain microfiche not belonging to him."
Ford went on to day that Bolton had a history of using his bully tactics on "little people" to get what he wants. Ford continued with his analysis despite the enormous pool of pungent yellow liquid pouring from his pants leg.
The testimony comes before the vote is extended to the full senate, in which Bolton is still expected to clinch the job of UN ambassador, despite the repeated claims of Bolton's thuggery, and even more in spite of the vast bouts of senatorial incontinence caused by Bolton and his high-impact presence.
“This could prove embarrassing for many,” said one senate insider. “It has been so long since a real man—Senator Clinton notwithstanding, of course—has even entered the senate camber, that these little boys don’t know how to deal with it.”
Some even expressed grave concern that others would urinate on themselves in the presence of Bolton, if confronted.
“First, we have to eliminate the chronic piddlers,” said one analyst. “Kennedy, Hatch, Specter, Santorum, Shays, et’ al. Some of this stems from chronic alcoholic edema, but there is also the ‘poltroon factor’. Just the very presence of a strong, black-and-white sort of personality scares many in here.”
A full vote on Bolton is expected today, barring any unforeseen urinations, and assuming all senators in hiding come out from under their desks.
“We still can’t find Mr. Ford.” Said one senator. “He looked very pale after his testimony, and he told me he was going for a mop, when we lost him.”
David Brock: Book On Anita Hill Really An Attack On Own Black Womanhood
Brock(left) has contended that his years as a conservativenot only forced him into gay self loathing, but also causedhim to "suppress his black womanhood by effigy" by writingan expose of Anita Hill (right)
Washington--Pushed to the forefront in the wake of controversial comments made by former president Clinton, author David Brock is again re-explaining his trek
from self-loathing, gay conservative reporter to conservative-loathing, gay liberal reporter. This time he says, it's "really time to fully come out of the closet."
Clinton's remarks were, oddly enough, not about Brock, however, but another gay conservative, Arthur Finkelstein whose upcoming book promises to be a barn-burning expose on his wife, and would-be president, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
. Clinton referred to Finkelstein's intentions as a sign of gay "self loathing," prompting Brock to issue his own clarification.
"I just wanted to say that when I wrote books attacking liberals, that it was a sign of me, loathing myself for my homosexuality," he said. "I just went about loathing myself in print, through multiple printing, and millions of dollars in off-the-shelf sales. Man, I loathe that."
Brock said that he also loathes "anything
that comes close to gay self loathing," especially the certain new strain of bi-polar gay self-loathing, in which one personality confers homophobic aspersions onto the other one. "That
kind of loathing is what I find particularly loathsome," he said. ""The kind of self-loathing that stems from that self belonging to a different
Brock intimated that Finkelstein’s alleged self-loathing manifesting itself in a book critical of a democrat is secondary to his real impetus behind his speaking out now, entailing his most widely read book amongst conservatives—The Real Anita Hill
, a book which purported to show a larger agenda on the part of a woman portrayed as mere victim of actions, scarcely definable as sexual harassment.
“I realized, after I wrote that book,” he said, “That by writing
a book critical of Anita Hill, I was suppressing my own black womanhood. You have no idea how liberating it is for me to actually say that. In fact. to all my sistas in the hood: I’m coming back to the block—I’m coming home!”
Brock said he felt that it was important for a white, middle-aged, gay black woman to speak out, both in defense of Hillary, but to also say he loathes Finkelstein's gay self-loathing.
"I stepped out now, under the arbor of Mr. Clinton's remarks, andbecause Bill Clinton was our first black president
," he said. "But I also really, really loathe self loathing, too."
Defense Cites "Millions Of People Not Molested By Jackson" As Basis For Acquittal
Hoping to use largesse to open pediatrics ward, say lawyers
Lawyers for Michael Jackson are hoping that jurors will quickly realize that these alleged molestees are neither related to them, nor large in number, thus reducing the chances of "juror personalization." The number of those not molested by Jackson is said to be the new focus of the defense
Los Angeles--Defense lawyers for embattled pop star, Michael Jackson are hoping that a sense of contrast will ultimately save their client.
"Let us put aside for a moment, those we perceived to have been molested by our client," said lead attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr. "What the prosecution hopes to do—in fact deliberately does—is keep these relatively few incidents isolated from the millions of children who get up every morning, unmolested by Michael Jackson."
Prosecuting attorneys were reportedly stunned by this unexpected legal flank. DA Tom Sneddon admits even he, despite his years in the fight, didn't see such a blitz coming.
"I guess this is why Geragos is out," he said "We are now dealing with a modern-day Sun Tzu, from The Art Of War."
Analysts believe the little-used "comparison and contrast" technique could have "completely evaporating" effects on the prosecutions case.
"Once this rhetorical bombshell reaches true fruition," said one analyst. "Every single juror will at least arrive at the conclusion that neither they, nor their children were even once molested by Michael Jackson. That goes a long way toward acquittal."
Jackson's lawyers are also said to be readying an approach called the "philanthropic largesse" play, in which the defendant is seen to break down in tears and imply that his trial is an evil interruption to fulfilling his lifelong dream: Building and maintaining a pediatric ward.
Mesereau says this approach goes way beyond artifice. "This is really what the man is about," he said. "We need to get past these little molestation quibbles, so that the King of Pop can get back to doing what he does best. And that's loving children."
John Edwards Threatens To Channel Terri Schiavo
Says Dems Will "raise Christopher Reeve from dead" to defeat GOP in midterms"Ruthlessness Manifested in the Flesh"Edwards' warnings to the GOP aboutTerri Schiavo's ramifications is sendingshockwaves through the Senate majority
Washington--Calling the Senate handling of the Terri Schiavo matter
"disgusting," and that the republicans will "pay a price" at the polls, former Vice presidential candidate John Edwards warned that he is not above "crossing over" to help his party at the polls.
"I've spoken with Terri already," said Edwards, a trial lawyer, who channels the dead from time to time in tort cases. "And she is disgusted with the way people tried to give her food. Her message at this point is: John Zogby speaks for me."
Edwards' firebrand, head-on approach to controversial issues is credited in part with the simultaneous loss of his own state to George W. Bush, as well John Kerry’s presidential aspirations. GOP officials say that Edward's apocalyptic outlook for their party has them "totally worried."
"Look this man successfully channeled a fetus for a multimillion-dollar lawsuit," said one GOP strategist. "You've got to tread lightly around that kind of rhetorical power. Sure, he hides behind the facade of an over-coiffed, ambulance-chasing sissy with clairvoyant turns. And sure, he managed to help polarize even those in his own party with an atrocious ltitgatory rap sheet. And sure he said that Christopher Reeve would walk again if he and John Kerry were elected. It's all a carefully crafted ruse to hide the true. Ruthless skill of a man in the senate we have come to know as El Chubacabra
Edwards shies not away from his controversial remarks concerning Reeve, amending them even further. “The Electoral College may have killed
that man,” he says. “John Kerry and myself—a presumptive ticket that will never emerge again, by the way—have a plan to reanimate Christopher. Let’s just say it involves Democratic ideals, Robin Williams, and his Jumanji
Analysts say that Edwards’ early threats to the GOP “do not bode well” for the party.
“This will embolden many other obscure senate democrats to start combing their hair a lot, and bringing their Ouija
boards to committee meetings,” said one observer. “Nothing mobilizes the pseudo-occultic, necromancer silent majority of the left like a bunch of religious nuts in the GOP. It’s an early Christmas present for them.”
Paroled Child Molester Given 25 Years For Spamming
Judge likens email accounts to "precious cargo"Ingrate: Child Molester's wanton disregardfor email sensitivity was his undoing.
San Francisco -- A federal judge in California today sentenced a paroled, repeat child molester to a minimum, 25-year sentence for illegal infusion of circular advertisements into the private world of cyberspace.
45-year old Marshall Ingrate III, cried as the sentence was read to him, and said "This is the worst sin I've ever committed. Despite the delete buttons in every email program, I cannot erase the undue memory of deletions I have caused."
Writing his opinion with audible passion, Judge Ethan Asia set a tone that augurs ill for any would-be spammers:"Today, we are coming not only for you, Mr. Ingrate, but we are coming after the aggregate world of spamming--period. You have arguably transgressed the realms of forgivability with your frequent, insatiable relapses at numerous after-school programs. You even overstepped your legal bounds by your continual tardiness during your compulsory pediatrics ward, work-release program. But now you have made an active choice to violate the most sacred boundaries of dominion ever granted to individuals by God—and this will not go unanswered.
This court cannot expunge the sheer horror experienced by those whose tiny little email accounts have been told that spamming was a natural part of the Internet, only to feel unquantifiable shame after the Spam is opened. Further more, this sentence will carry with it the inertia from the latent threats to further stigmatize the email accounts by telling other email accounts they’ve been spammed. You are lower than dirt, Mr. Ingrate, and if the robes with which I am charged not bind this jurist, I would physically deal with you as an email owner myself. Unfortunately, I have only the maximum sentence of 25 years before me—given with all the malice I can muster.”
Judge Asia was then heard to say, “Get this scumbag out of my face, and let him watch Sesame Street
The ruling falls on the heel of another spammer in Virginia who was given a nine-year sentence
for similar convictions. Analysts say that the judge’s maximum ruling in the last case exemplifies his irritation with a “decent man who had everything to lose, and chose to lose it by involving himself in the dark world of spamming.”
Wendy's Finger-Finder To Sue General Mills For Torso In Wheaties Box
Thought bulging, 50-pound box was normal for economy sizeAyala: Perpetually dogged byforensic evidence in her food,wherever she goes. Believes she"may be cursed" to receive undisclosedsettlements from corporations.
Las Vegas--The woman whose recent claim about finding a human finger in her chili at a Wendy's has come under increasing scrutiny, is now planning to sue General Mills for what she refers to as a "complete human trunk" displacing what she believed was a bran-based cereal.
"I was pouring my Wheaties into the bowl, when I heard a disconcerting thud," said 39-year-old Anna Ayala. "The box became worlds lighter, but I gave little more thought to it until I bit into an armpit."
Police recently obtained a search warrant under suspicion that the earlier finger incident may have been planted by Ayala, who has an extensive litigious history with food chains, and that the finger may have come from the corpse of her recently-deceased aunt.
"This now-emerging history of hers casts a real hue of dubiousness over the finger thing" said one legal analyst. "But the torso situation is still fair game. It is very, very
easy for a plant worker to have their upper body sheared away from their arms, head, and lower extremities without ever reporting the incident to upper management."
Analysts point to the increasingly brazen scofflaw attitudes in the workplace that put OSHA into offensive mode.
"Look, we shouldn't have to seminar these people every six months," said one OSHA spokesperson. "But for Pete’s sake, if your torso falls into the broad grain silos, then you better report it."
General Mills said they have had no employees report missing an entire midriff, although they admit that they've had a few returns on new work shirts with odd requests for "emergency tailoring." Still, the company claims that Ayala is a legal opportunist, who will concoct the most egregious scenarios for financial solvency.
Ayala counters. "I am outraged by these allegations," she said. "Nobody believed me when I discovered that a bottle of apple juice I purchased from Ralph’s was actually a mason jar of bovine urine, either. I'm tired of my claims always being doubted. Just wait until I come across a formaldehyde-drenched toe-tag in my stationary. Then maybe the world will finally stop blaming the victim for once.”
Ayala met with early defeat in court, when her 1988 claim of finding brain matter in her headcheese was dismissed without qualification by a Northern California judge.
A Riposte To "Terri's Blog"
While trudging through the test-pattern morass of Blogspot, I came across the answer to the abhorrent "terri's Blog" (I am not linking to it here).
The counter-weight is Michael Schiavo's Connubial Chronicles
. I doubt Blogs For Terri
would endorse them, but all's fair to me when it comes to the Uber-Husband himself.
Lack Of Blood Relation Casts Dark Cloud Over Charles/Camilla Wedding
Many believe that an outside fertility longshot could accidentally purify the royal bloodline with non-tertiary DNA. Analysts believe this scenario to be "remote, but chilling."
London--Buckingham Palace is not commenting on what many refer to as the "genetic elephant in the living room" in light of the impending marriage of prince Charles to his long-time lover, Camilla Parker Bowles.
"To depart from the swishy, inbred traditions of the aristocracy is an abomination," said one long time observer. "even though Ms. Bowles' biological clock is most likely sprung, there remains the outside--albeit aberrant--chance that the royal bloodline could be subjected to a diluting presence."
Geneticists are concerned that any potential progeny may display physiological characteristics so common to those borne of disparate blood lines, such as symmetrical features, substantial and improvable muscle tone, not to mention the coveted self-perpetuating immune system indigenous to commoners.
"This does not bode well for royalty," said one expert. "Next thing you know, we're going to have precocious princes stepping outside the complex world of skeet shooting."
Others believe that royal offspring with a normal, balanced ambulatory gait could raise their net worth in the eyes of an ever-critical public.
"One thing we do know, is that diluted inbreeding amongst the aristocracy will force the Daily Mirror and Page Six to set their creative sights on something other than "Mongoloid Harry Thinks Swastika Costume Most Swell,'" said one photojournalist. "I say, give the boys at least a few, fundamental synapses, let them step outside the fox-hunts, and maybe even become attracted to girls. We need some new challenges in this business."
Charles and Camilla have yet to iron out plans for a wedding less than 24 hours away--a scenario only further complicated by the death of Pope John Paul II, and the resultant funeral that has stopped the world in its tracks.
"First the Pope dies," said one observer. "Now the world faces the low-odds spectre of royal offspring with 20/20 vision and the ability to physiologically ward off common viruses. What is this world coming to?"
People Happy With Schiavo's Death Also Angry About Memo Happy About Them Being Happy With Schiavo's Death
Washington--The now-vetted and infamous "talking points memo" concerning the judicial handling of the Terri Schiavo case is still raising concerns amongst those who rejoiced when she succumbed lack of food and water.
The memo, now shown to be written by a legal counsel to Republican senator Mel Martinez, indicates that those happy about repeated judicial refusals to feed Mrs. Schiavo would lose political capital down the road to those not happy about it.
"What we have here, is a memo showing that the republicans believe good things can come from bad things," said one democratic activist. "This is supremely outrageous, because we think Terri's death was a good thing. Who are they to extrapolate bad things from our judicial victory?"
Republicans counter that democrats would not be complaining about a memo that says "a good thing will stem from this good thing," and that they know Terri Schiavo's death at the hands of judge Greer has reverberating value. "Thus this is a bad
thing by proxy," said one republican.
"How stupid can you look, presiding over the death of a human being, and then trying to fan the flames of controversy over a semantic issue?" asked one strategist. "Let me school these people in why nobody cares about this controversy. The left and their bloodlust to defeat the pro-life contingent killed her, and the right says, we'll use what we tried to prevent against them later
. Seems to us the controversy would have been valid if we
killed her and then tried to leverage a political coup out of it. These people are the ones in a persistent, vegetative state, not Terri Schiavo."
Democrats say that the republicans are "merely interloping" their victory, and that "any attempt to forge a good thing out of a good thing" will be viewed by the public as political suicide. The most brilliant minds of the left agree.
"George W. Bush is very shrewdly trying to gain in the polls by his attempts to intervene in this matter," said one analyst. "The very fact that his ratings have plummeted proves that he is in this for political gain, and has no core convictions."
Polls also indicate that the public believes the President to be riding the wave of an unpopular issue to ultimate political hegemony for the republicans.
Jimmy Carter Chases Air Force One Down Tarmac
Really, really wanted to go to Pope's funeral; Bush refuses to turn around
Washington--NBC News is reporting that foreign policy dissention between presidents is what kept former president Jimmy Carter from catching Air Force One on the tarmac, as it began to taxi down the runway on its way to Rome.
"This is so like Bush," said one bystander. "We even saw the plane slow down and lower the step ladder, and just as Mr. Carter got to the fuselage, they gunned it and were airborne in seconds. I wanted to cry for him."
Carter says that Bush told him he "better be dressed in time to leave," or he wasn't going. "I was just getting my shoes on when they pulled out and left me," he said.
The NBC News report implies that the stark differences in foreign policy may have played a role in why the plane left with Carter waving his Bruno Magli's at a dissipating cloud of Jet contrails.
Carter's absence from the Pontiff's funeral is a dubious one as Carter was President when Pope John Paul II came into power, and also hosted the Pope at the Whitehouse in a landmark, ceremonial event. Carter was also the first president to show practical application of repentance in office when he admitted that he had "lusted in his heart" and the first to employ a preemptive, first-strike option against a vicious, marauding rabbit.
Still, Carter downplays anything overtly political in his being left stateside, and in traditional diplomatic form, noted that the Pope will "most likely not be offended" by his absence.
Bush administration officials declined to comment.
Johnnie Cochran's Ill-Fitting Casket Raises Questions About Death
Simpson: Said that "heads would roll"if Cochran's actual self was not returned.
--Famed OJ Simpson Counsel Johnnie Cochran's funeral was brought to a theatrical standstill today, when observers noticed that the lawyer's coffin was "disproportionately small for a man of his stature."
"That description, oddly enough is figurative as well a literal," said attorney F. Lee Bailey, who has not only worked along side Cochran in the Simpson trial, but has also experienced life as a defendant in prison. "He as a complex man that could relate simple truths, such as the one that illustrates the logical chasm between ill-fitting Isotoners and victim-consistent blood found in the bronco."
Legal analysts say that the fact that Cochran's body was apparently shoehorned into the casket shows '"the possibility that he may not have died."
"It is customary for the deceased to lose a significant percentage of girth after expiration," said one expert. "Theoretically, Cochran should be considerably lighter, and thinner, as a result of not only organ removal, but the less quantifiable lack of life blood that seems to add mass, even though there's no scientific way to measure it."
Experts say that initial tailored measurements should in no way have increased, without either the overt involvement of a "weight-imputing entity," or the more dubious theory of a "false Cochran" brazenly inserted in the coffin, unbeknownst to the casual observer.
Cochran came to international prominence with his sometimes-dramatic handling of the OJ Simpson defense, in which his client was acquitted in the wake of both the ill-fitting glove theory, and the baleful glare of Mark Fuhrman’s perjured use of the N-word during a screen test.
"Cochran showed us that, if you take a tight fitting glove, and attempt to place it on the hand of a corpulent, sedentary defendant wearing latex gloves at the outset, that the "ill-fitting glove" defense is devastatingly convincing to a jury," said one legal analyst. "No amount of empirical DNA evidence, spousal abuse photos, or preponderance of the victim's blood in suspicious places can stand critical examination in light of such presentational genius."
Analysts say they are not sure where the real Johnnie Cochran is, but that the search for him would continue—headed and directed by Orenthal James Simpson, who appeared emotional about the mix-up at the funeral today.
“I will continue to search, with every fiber in my body, until I locate him,” said Simpson. “Even if I have to kill somebody.”A special thanks to my non-blogging-and-soon-to-be-married friend, Rob in Sacramento, for the idea behind this bit--T
Banks Making Staggering Breakthroughs In Grainy, Unintelligible Photography
Completely useless cameras "right around the corner," say analystsThis grainy, somewhat abstract security photo still allows for the antiquated ability to distinguish this perpetrator as a twenty-something, caucasian male. Analysts say such aberrations are on the verge of being eradicated.New York
--Acting under long-term directives of Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, banks in North America have continued the devolution of photographic integrity at an exponential rate of progress with regard to on-site security.
“Our goal is to become the financial equivalent of the United Nations,” said one bank executive for Wells Fargo. “And those subterranean levels of sheer incompetence cannot be achieved without first amputating our primary, precautionary extremity—the in-house security camera.”
Experts say that, while current security systems provide grainy, virtually indistinguishable photographs of bank robbery suspects, that their systemic failures lie in the camera’s inability to further obscure facial features. At this point, police investigations are still producing the occasional, positive identification leading to arrests and convictions—something banks are hoping to ultimately vanquish.
“We are hoping that, before too long, we will be unable to even describe the racial provenance of an individual,” said one analyst. “We are hedging or hopes against even gathering the slightest clue of things like weight, height, and identifying marks in the future.”
Others say that the preponderance of the new cutting-edge cameras will also level the playing field for those with horrible, soul-crushing deformities who’ve dreamed of robbing a primary financial institution.
“Imagine the empowerment,” said a representative for US Banks. “A kleptomaniac cleft palate can enter the orb of crime on an equal footing with those of less repulsive features. This is what America is all about.”
REPORT: Brisk Congressional Steroid Hearings Aided By Ephedra
--A congressional report, citing the use of an "inordinate" amount of Ephedra-based "Mini-Thins," is what allowed Congressional committee members to conduct "brisk and cogent" hearings into allegations that Major League Baseball is rife with steroid use.
"It's amazing, the rush I got, with just one Yellow Jacket and a can of Jolt," said committee leader, Tom Davis. "In fact, there’s no way I could have maintained the reverberating timbre, and apocalyptic overtone without that stuff. I even feel like cleaning my house."
Others said they would have "never had the moxie" to berate 225 pound Major League Baseball notables without "a little dance with Mr. Whitetablet.”
The report states that “overt concern for Major League Baseball’s future” was “exponentially magnified by the stimulant, which is also credited with creating an entire generation of professional air guitar players, who play silent but important supplementary solos at Aerosmith concerts. Some say that Ephedra has made the “giant leap from musical ignominy” to “congressional validity.”
“My whole sense of optimism about the future was enhanced greatly by this substance, “ said Davis, while popping 16 cross tops and swigging Red Bull
through a straw. “I just wanted to look Jose Canseco right in the eye and sing Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. But I kept it focused to: “Stop taking steroids, you jacked-up, pine-swinging mutant.”
Parents of at-risk teens, as well as individuals working with troubled youth say that the congressional leaders set a bad example by placing their legislative futures into the hands of artificial stimulants.
“It’s bad enough that my kids say to me, ‘Dad, if Senator Kennedy can drink, drive, kill, swim, obstruct, and be perpetually elected, then why can’t I?’ Now we’ve got him amped up on Mini Thins
and doing an open throat beer-bong hit on 2 liters of Ginseng extract. Next thing you know, Kennedy will start calling the president a traitor.”
Congressional figures disagree that the report says anything
“Look, it’s not like were sitting around, sniffing thrice-cut bathtub crank until Eleanor Clift’s Newsweek
columns start to have a cogent thought,” said one senator. “This is a stimulant that works with your own metabolism in a bi-partisan way. How can anyone oppose something that enhances performance . . . kind of like. . .um, steroids.”Newsweek
denied that there is a drug of that potency, and that Eleanor Clift is as “batty as ever.”
Michael Schiavo Angers Supporters By Giving Chinchilla Coat To New Wife
At least 100 hydrated, well-fed rodents used to make article Protesters outside the Pinellas Park hospice illustratethe blinding hypocricy between starving a spouseand supporting corporate hedgemony throughrodent exploitationPinellas Park, Fla
.--Erstwhile supporters of Michael Schiavo's successful, court-mandated starvation of his wife met with swift turbulence this afternoon, when it was learned that Mr. Schiavo had presented his "prettier and able to walk" wife with a fur coat--made from the finest chinchilla pelts available.
Protesters assembled outside the Florida hospice that formerly housed Terri Schiavo, as a "symbolic contrast of the hypocrisy" they say is on display.
“The disconnect between wanting a human to die and wanting an animal to die is staggering
,” said one of the assembled protesters. “When in doubt, always
err on the side of life
for nondescript vermin and death
for humans with a compromised cerebral cortex.”
"Chinchilla's never voted republican," said another protester, whose sign showed a meticulously photo shopped illustration of a bed-ridden chinchilla having its feeding tube disconnected. “And furthermore, these soft, cuddly rodents never staked out a position abhorrent to ours. That’s
Experts say that in order to properly construct a full-length overcoat, 100 chinchillas must give their life for the undertaking—and that fastidious care for diet and nutrition is paramount.
“These animals are well hydrated, with a dietary standard that makes the human dietary template pale in comparison,” said one industry insider. “These protesters get a lot of credit, be cause it is their
selfless activism that guarantees these animals are never subjected to nutritional deprivation. I could go to jail for that.”
Other outraged protesters held pictures that showed what they called “artistic projections,” which portrayed a shriveled, emaciated chinchilla, struggling for life-giving fluids, while other chinchillas look on with indifference. “This is what it will come to, if Michael Schiavo is allowed to roam finer clothing outlets unencumbered,” said one. “After he killed his wife, it seems he got derailed by the right, and we’re not entirely
dismissing the idea that Karl Rove didn’t get the coat thing rolling in the first place.”
Schiavo says he is merely “continuing to roll with the matrimonial punches,” and that his supporters’ energy would be better expended trying to kill Alzheimer’s patients—the popularity of which is yet to be discovered.
“Let this coat be worn in peace,” he said. “These chinchilla’s are gone. Let them go.”
Overly Cautious FOX Just Now Reporting Pope’s Death
Not taking any chances: FOX executives say that they are on the verge of "post autopsy reporting"in the wake of their story that put a still living Popeoff the mortal coil.
New York—Stung by premature reports of Pope John Paul’s death, FOX News has waited over 24 hours before confirming that the Pontiff had died a day earlier.
“In keeping with the fair and balanced doctrine to which we defer, “ said a FOX News Spokesperson, “We are here to balance by an equal increment of time that which was reported in err.”
FOX’s erroneous report was picked up by both Matt Drudge, as well as Michelle Malkin, but was quickly amended when the Pope called them to dispute “Certain elements” of the story.
The network waited until the Holy Father was interred before reporting a “reasonably solid story.”
“This situation just points up the pitfalls so rampant in the information age,” said one media analyst. “It will not be long before a 24-hour window becomes mandatory policy, regardless of the calamitous nature of the story. This could be bad, because the viewing public may not see any network reporting of an imminent, continental invasion until they take a North Korean bayonet through the temple.”
The analyst also said that even live, televised assassinations of world leaders are likely to go the way of tape delay, complete with corporate sponsors, and that all “Live-Bloggers” would be legally constrained by the vagaries of a 56k modem connection.
“Something has got to slow down the information train,” said one analyst. “There are some that would argue a September 12th dateline would have been a far more prudent journalistic handling of 9/11. They just have to jump the gun.”
FOX said they are ready to go live with an exclusive late report about the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, and the unexpected demise of an “unsinkable” ocean liner in the North Atlantic.
“Nobody’s got a handle on the late scoop like us,” they said.
Kofi Annan Recalls Pope Being Catholic
Says Pontiff shared with him his beliefs in confidenceThe Friar and the Fathead:Documented Moron, Kofi Annan, during one of the many private conversations the Secretary General fondly recalls with the Pope
--The man the Volcker Report
vetted as the "hereditary bedrock of human stupidity" silenced reporters today, when he alleged that Pope John Paul II might have been Catholic.
Speaking to an assembled press corps. At the United Nations, Annan added his remarks and condolences to a growing body of comments by other world figures, regarding the passing of the Pope today.
"He told me many enlightenments, " said Annan. "He told me it was wrong to molest children, and I shuddered at the wisdom. He told me that he was pro-life, and I just shuddered
. Then he told me he was a Catholic
. I will never, ever
forget that solitary moment, when it was just the two of us."
Annan says that his easy-going approach to diplomacy may have been what led the Pope to "open up" and share the deep, hidden beliefs within one Karol Wojtyla--otherwise known to the world as Pope John Paul II.
"He was friendly, and easy to speak with," said Annan. "But there were things about him I did not understand. Once he was anointing the flock with olive oil, and a man walked up, carrying fishes and loaves. He asked the Pope for the oil, while handing him the food. That is a concept I still, to this day, cannot get my mind around."
Kofi Annan was on a brief respite from what are all-day, Hooked on Phonics
sessions, epidermal therapy that will allow greater sensitivity to bulging pockets, and extensive optometric corrections, to increase recollection to "almost prosecutable levels."
Media Running Out Of Euphemisms For Pope's Declining Condition
Headline writers "on their last leg"
--Pope John Paul's tenacious grip on life is now threatening the jobs of headline writers and reporters everywhere, say media experts. Headlines such as Nearing Death
and Fading Quickly
usually mean just that—and generally do not require further amendment.
This has not been the case with Pope John Paul II
"There is a tacit understanding between public figures and those that report about them," said one journalist. "That when the euphemistic fabric becomes a bit threadbare, that it's time to change the linen." The source denied that this was a direct request of the Pope to die, although he said it would "make good copy downstairs."
"We've already expended the basics,” he said. “Nearing Death, Approaching Death’s Door
, and Sliding Toward The Gates Of Heaven
. From here, if there is no change, we move into Lapsing Into The Iris Of Twilight, Fading Consciousness
and, Readying To Be Ushered To His Seat By Christ
The source said that new reports that the Pontiff was speaking and opening his eyes “undoes a good week’s worth of good journalism. Now we have to reach for more creative phrases,” he said.
One newsman said he was opting for “Skulking In The Waiting Room Of Death
,” as it “provides room for the sort of mortal prevarication the Pope seems to delight in.”
Other say that “Pope-Mobiling Towards New Jerusalem
,” is not only disrespectful, but possibly sacrilegious. “We need to avoid that at all costs, said one prominent news anchor. “That’s why I personally expelled the alliterative, Papal Palpitations Presumably Pushing Pontiff Paul Phlegmatically
from our teleprompter.” His reasoning quite clear.
“It’s alliterative quality was shattered by the phonetic departure at the end, “he said.
Analysts agree that an extended “swan song” on the part of the Pontiff could have many staffers’ jobs “shuffling of this mortal coil.”
“We’re worried, “ said one typesetter. “This could be out last hurrah—our Waterloo, a virtual Hindenburg in a world of headline-writing dirigibles.”
As of this report, the Pope continues to wait outside the confessional of mortality.
Kennedys: Unprosecuted Vehicular Manslaughters, Drug Addiction, Alcoholism, And Constant, Untimely Deaths A "Wake-Up Call" For Family
No one has to tell them 32 times:The Kennedy family has considered hiring permanentpall-bearers for anuual events, such as this one. A family statement made this week indicates a "clear and lucid undserstanding"of possible personal flaws that may be related to these events. This funeral concluded with a Moonshine/waterskiing getaway
--The tragedy-plagued Kennedy family issued a statement today, as news trickled to the media that yet another family member's plight with alcohol and neglect had come to fruition.
Joan Kennedy, mother of senator Patrick Kennedy and ex-wife of senator Edward Kennedy, was found unconscious in the streets of Boston Tuesday, the product of her own vices. Spokespeople for the Kennedy family say they "now know when enough is enough."
Speaking from a an inebriated, prostrate lurch at the family compound, Massachusetts senator Edward Kennedy, read a prepared statement that highlighted the “subtleties” that led the family to the conclusion that “dysfunction was at the door.”
“We here at the Kennedy family are yet again
thankful for the thoughts and prayers of the nation.” Read the senator. “ While invisible to the untrained eye, we are stepping out to identify the subtle, red flags that have led us to weigh counseling. Having your entire family fortune predicated on smuggled, alcoholic contraband is an enormous set of shoes to fill. We have done our best.”
Kennedy went on to highlight “little signals;” mother Rose’s failed lobotomy in 1941, Joseph P II’s 1973 car crash that paralyzed a passenger, and David Kennedy’s 1981 fatal overdose in Palm Beach.”
“These things, despite their everyday nature, are crying
out for response,” said the senator.
Kennedy also added “peripheral issues” to the carefully analysed scenario, such as Patrick Kennedy’s 1986 treatment for cocaine addiction, and William Kennedy Smith’s 1991 trial for rape—of which he was acquitted.
“That acquittal meant a lot to the family,” said the senator. “Because it may have been the first
Invoking the legal issues plaguing the family, Kennedy cited nephew Michael Skakel’s 2002 conviction for the 1975 bludgeoning death of Martha Moxley. Kennedy even bravely cited his own “discretionary omission,” by admitting a little-covered accident at chapaquiddik, in which a campaign volunteer, Mary Jo Kopechne, was drowned in the senator’s vehicle when he drove off a bridge in a "condition compromised by intake."
“I swam to safety, and reported the accident immediately. And by "immediately" I mean "nine hours later,” he said. “The memory is seared—seared
Kennedy also added Michael Kennedy’s 1997 skiing accident in Aspen, in which he was mortally wounded when he struck a tree at high velocity (his reported, adulterous affair with his baysitter "entirely plutonic"); also added was the untimely death of John Kennedy Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and her sister Lauren who plunged into the Atlantic ocean off Martha’s Vineyard in Kennedy’s Piper Saratoga airplane. Experts claim that Kennedy’s lack of air time, and inclement visibility contributed to a follish decision to fly.
“We recognize the early signs of trouble,” said the senator. “And we are taking charge. This will most likely be the last
Kennedy you will see lying drunk in a conspicuous place for some time. The time has come for us to take the wheel back from fate.”
Kennedy thanked the assembled press, and retreated to his compound to resume a scandlous tryst with a Denny’s waitress.
Idol Competitors Worried Finalist's Violent Rap Sheet Provides Unfair Advantage
Fellow contestants weigh beating own wives for balanceScott Savol's domestic abuse rap sheet has recordexecutives clamoring for him to sign a contract, as hispropensity for beating women raises his net worthexponentiallyLos Angeles--
Fellow competitors on television's American Idol
are pensive that recently-emerging evidence of one finalist's violent past could provide an "insurmountable edge" with the public, whose telephonic votes decide the ultimate winner.Idol
finalist, Scott Savol, was arrested in February 2001 in what is being referred to as a "Valentines Day Fracas," by The Smoking Gun
The fight, which ultimately resulted in Savol's breaking of a telephone on the chest of his son's mother, is considered by many to be the kind of career insurance that will pay huge dividends--insofar as those normally inclined to vote against the singer could possibly vote for
"There's just something irresistible about the lovable degenerate," said one insider for the show. "Look at 50 cent, Tommy Lee, Michael Jackson, etc. From what we understand, some of the other men in the competition are considering beating their own wives, just to try to tip the balance back into calibration."
Others think that Savol may have put all his eggs in one basket for a singing career, assuming that no other appalling behavior on the part of his musical nemeses has been chronicled by the police.
guy sleeping with children, and Savol's out," said one source. "There's also the outside chance that Simon could tip off some latent berserker rage during the live broadcast; Constantine's affable rocker image forever eclipsed by knifing an audience member. Let’s not also rule out some hidden solicitation rap sheet from Mohawk girl. It's still a crap shoot, although it's Savol's competition to lose right now
Savol is said to be looking for custom pajama bottoms for the next performance, and has tentative plans to "smack down" a mannequin with a petite frame, while singing Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative
Terri, Faitgue, And This Blog
Let me say at the outset that I have considered deleting this blog. That's it, I just wanted to say it.
My reason? Already sick of it. I'm not going to elaborate much further, except, suffice it to say, it's a little frustrating, knowing that one single 100,000 click exposure by one of the giants in Blogland would launch this thing irretrievably. I feel this is a well-written blog, the satire is of good stock, but the two or three keepers of the "glass ceiling" would rather funnel traffic to each other, or send a gratuitous, server-melting stampede of traffic to Bob's County Feed Store Musings, or some other syrupy, quasi-pedantic endeavor that will not keep the traffic they've received.
However, I'm not
deleting this blog--for right now
anyway, because I know that, if I were to stick it out for another year, I believe I can do for myself
with the help of my mortal peers what the Instagods
and Michael Mulkins
could have helped me with. That's fine; they won't get the credit, either.
The question is: do I have the stamina? I now understand in a weird sort of way what an actual journalist goes through, when the news cycle is either slow, or completely saturated with one thing. And when the news cycle is slow, I do what the Mainstream Press does: I make things up. When the news cycle is captivated by one story, I also do what they do: I make things up related to that story--with one small exception: My beliefs are not masqueraded as real news.
The case in point is Terri Schiavo. I made up a story that said Michael Schiavo's girlfriend, Jodi Centonze, added a narcolepsy clause to her living will. The Media made up a story about Teri being brain dead, unfeeling, unresponsive, and devoid understanding that she was being subjected to judicial homicide at the hands of her husband. Mine is more plausible.
My story killed no one. I can't say the same for theirs.
But, the story has ruled the day on this blog. Being a satire blog, I have to find the dark thread--no really the black
thread of humor that can illustrate the exact same point, over and over again from different angles. And that point has consistently been: That Michael Schiavo is a turd, whose “praiseworthy struggle” for matrimonial sanctity apparently started at Terri’s feeding tube and ended at his penis.
This has been hard, emotionally, as there are times when I wrote something "good," it meant that I was again saying that Terri was being murdered within the borders of a complicit nation. This is not easy. It's like being the sportscaster on September 11th.
Since Terri is now gone, I will now also conclude the stuff directly related to her--at least in terms of frequency. Michael Schiavo is now a name in our collective consciousness, as is attorney George Felos. If you think you've heard the last of that latter name, than I'd be careful; ignorance of such high concentration is easily mistaken for brain death as well.
So, as necessary, I will put the gratuitous literary fist into the schnoz of these still-living piles of excrement, but only as incidentals, or as news dictates. I am not finished with Hillary Clinton, however, who normally feels the need to open her precocious trap on every issue under the sun, but stayed conspicuously silent during this whole ordeal. Any one seeking the presidency in 2008 that did not go on record about this will feel the wrath of the public--hopefully aided and abetted by blogs such as this one. She is a coward. I'm nailing her within the next two or three stories I do here, with no intentions to curtail my assaults. I'll just keep checking my brake lines.
So I go on. In closing, I’d like to extend my own thoughts and prayers to Terri’s real family—the ones who stood in the threshold to keep her from being shoved through death’s door.
And I dedicate this last post to Terri: Yet one more innocent soul denied a place on Schindler’s List.The Therapist