I Didn't Actually Think We'd Win The Midterms
By Satan, Democratic
Operative, prince of Darkness
I've got to admit it here, people. Even I thought the stupid, corpulent American electorate had a better memory than that. I thought for certain that the images of human cartwheels leaping from the 82nd floor of the World Trade Center would at least have the ability to fire up one single, triglyceride laden, adipose marinated synapse in those puny little anglo-brains. Man, was I ever wrong.
I was having a chat the other day with Peter Jennings, and he told me that anything short of a Democratic turn in the house and senate was an "unforgivable temper tantrum." I wholheartedly agreed with him, and hugged him as my brother right before consigning him to a three-trillion year retraction of his annual Jesus biopics. When he's done, he gets to play with Sam Kinison, who, quite frankly, isn't taking the whole "damned forever" thing very well. And besides, Kerry's botched jokes are making him crazer than a fat, ankh-wearing blasphemer with a torch up his caboose.
By the way, Peter said he became a "smoker" after Sept 11th. He became a smoker allright, but it was a bit later than that.
Anyway. So I'm over here fomenting class resentment at this Wal-Mart protest, when I get word from Thurgood Marshall that the Dems were actually poised to take the House. I couldn't believe my flame-consumed eye sockets when I saw the ticker on CNN (we have a bureau down here, but they just preach to the choir. Booooring!)
This has mixed economic news for me. See, when the Dems rock the vote, they get to elect more judges that make sure no one's messing with the "baby javelin" competition in the family-Planning Olympics. The downside is, all those abortions starts kncoking off the population in a way that doesn't fill my workforce down here. So while even Satan likes a good medical holocaust, those little undocumented workers are getting outsourced to my competition. At least Euthanasia lets me toe-tag 'em for me before they get shipped to the slab.
But as for the war, it's great news. Nothing invigorates my minions more than a groundswell democratic takeover. And nothing fills the death-silos faster than cut-and-run retreats from a hostile enemy. Those Democrats are kingmakers, when it comes to death.
Charlie Rangel's on the phone. The writing's on the wall.